The Gundam Pilots' Guide To The Galaxy
by Tori Yuki Ichimura
Summary: What exactly has Heero been doing on that laptop of his? And why is he so protective of his towel? The Hitchhiker's Guide is (c) Douglas Adams [May he rest in peace. I never thought gods could die!]
1. The Great Towel Chase!

**Tori: **OI! I've been trying so hard to focus on this Toby thing (Shoujocon… Don't ask…)  that everything else in the world BUT what I need comes to mind!

**Ke: **Yep, more randomness… Stanton's going to kill you if you don't finish that fic…

**Tori: ***hides under table* It's haaaaaaaaaaaard!!!

**Ke: **You're pathetic.

**Tori: **Well, this was a request from…someone… that I just can't get out of my head! Here we are! The spoof of Douglas Adam's Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy! 1x2 3xDuet 5x4(strange pairing!)

**Gundam Pilots' Guide To The Galaxy**

            "Heero, what exactly are you doing on the laptop of yours?" Duo asked and sat on the corner of Heero's bed, trying to glimpse the computer screen over his shoulder. The Perfect Soldier shifted slightly, obscuring the screen again and Duo pouted.

            "Please tell me?" 

            "Hn."

            "Hee-chan!" The braided boy fixed Heero with a look to melt ice and that's all it took.

            "I'm writing a book."

            Duo's eyes lit up and he flopped lazily into Heero's lap, pinning the boy's arms to his thighs. "What kind of book? Can I be in it?"

            "Oh, but you are…"

            "Really!?"

            "Yes, in the chapter 'People and Places to Avoid'. I even put your picture in."

            The insult sailed right over Duo's head. "A picture? Are you writing a children's book? It's too many words to be a manga…" he remarked and started blatantly at the screen. Heero wrenched his arm from underneath his boyfriend and hit the save and quit buttons in that order.

            "None of your business."

            Duo jumped up and ran to the bedroom door. He flung it open and hung in the doorway yelling, "Heero's writing a children's book! Heero's writing a-" Unfortunately, he didn't get any further than that as Heero pounced on him and wrestled the Deathscythe pilot to the floor.

            "I am not writing a children's book," the Japanese boy growled and mussed Duo's hair before letting him up. The touching of the hair was about the worst possible thing that Heero could have done at that moment, and it served it's purpose well. Duo gave a sharp cry and scampered off to the bathroom to un-do, brush, and re-braid his precious plait.

            Heero relaxed again on the bed with the beginnings of an evil smirk on his face, but a knock at the open door interrupted his perfecting it. 

            "Heero?" a feminine voice purred and he looked to see Duet clutching a sheet to her chest. Her half-lidded eyes and unbound hair, aside from the obvious lack of clothes, told him exactly where she had been and that Trowa was going to saunter by in a few minutes grinning like he just ate a bowl of macaroni and cheese.

            "What do you want?"

            "Where did you leave Duo? Think carefully…"

            "What do you want with Duo?"

            "I have a feeling-ACK!" Duet's sentence was cut off when Duo snapped a wet towel at her. She dropped her sheet and, without a second thought, started chasing him down the hall.

            "My towel!" Heero cried in a sudden burst of emotion and ran after them. He caught up and grabbed the two pilots by their wrists. Duo dropped the towel and Duet slapped Heero across the face with her free hand.

            "Duet, I'm gay. I couldn't care less…" he sighed and refused to loosen his grip. The un-braided girl frowned and fixed him with a menacing glare. "Now, Duo, if you touch my towel again, I'll have to destroy you." Heero released both of them, bent over, picked up his towel, and when he straightened up, Duet smacked him again.

            "Need I remind you…" here he leaned over and placed a light kiss on Duo's lips, "…I love Duo."

            "Yeah, I know, but… don't do that," Duet hissed and walked off. She was intercepted by a grinning Trowa halfway down the hall and disappeared back into his room.

            After that ordeal, the Wing pilot walked back to his own room, calculating the improbability factor that he was actually going to be left alone for the rest of the day. When he reached his door, the powers of two were climbing into the hundred millions, and all his math was put to waste when he stepped inside to find Quatre rifling through the CDs on Heero's shelf.

            "What are you doing?" 

            Quatre looked up at him innocently. "Is this some kind of trick question…?"

            The Perfect Soldier rolled his eyes and fell face-first onto his bed, trying to covey to Quatre that he could have whatever he wanted as long as he took it and left quickly. The blonde boy took advantage of the message and grabbed his entire Greenday collection. "I'll bring it back later!" he smiled and quietly shut the door behind him.

            As soon as the coast was clear, Heero whipped out his laptop again and began to type thoughtfully but furiously.

            "When visiting Colony L2, be sure to avoid," He thought for a moment and hit the backspace exactly 42 times and began his sentence anew. "Don't ever visit Colony L2." Smiling triumphantly, he rested a hand on the towel lying on the bed next to him.

            Now he could finally get some real work done…

~*~*~*~*~*~

**Tori: **It's not over! This is just the first chapter!

**Ke: **You start all these things and you never finish them…

**Tori: **I intend to keep this short… I should have it done by, oh, say… Thursday?

**Ke & Tori: ***look at each other and laugh hysterically* WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

**Ke: ***wiping a little tear* Just make sure you finish before lunch! AHAHAHA!

**Tori: **Well, I have *gasp* to put some time aside for a nice *gasp* cup of tea! 

**Ke & Tori: **AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *rolling on floor*

**Stanton: ***randomly walks in* Hey, guys! Check out my new watch! *proudly holds up digital watch*

**Ke & Tori: ***exchange looks* AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

**Stanton: **…what's so funny? I think my digital watch is pretty neat…

**AN:**

**I did some checking around and I found out that I AM THE FIRST ON FANFICTION.NET TO WRITE GUNDAM WING / HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE CROSSOVERS!**

**I FEEL SPECIAL!**

But seriously… This is a problem. We need MORE!!!


	2. Enter Ford Prefect

**Douglas Adams: **There was a point to this story, but it temporarily escaped the chronicler's mind…

**Tori: **Thank you, Adams-san! …though I may or may not have just been insulted…

**Ke: **This has gone too far… *takes away Tori's towel*

**Tori: **AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

**Ke: `**(O.o)' *hands it back*

**Tori: ***passes out, clutching towel*

**Ke: **This story needs a disclaimer that we don't own anything… Mr. Adams, would you be so kind?

**Adams: **Yeah, you hadn't actually gone out of your way to call attention to that fact, had you? I mean like actually telling anyone or anything."

**Ke: **But the disclaimer is on display!

**Adams: **On display? I eventually had to go down to the cellar to find it!

**Ke:** That's the display department.

**Adams:** With a torch.

**Ke:** Ah, well the lights had probably gone.

**Adams:** So had the stairs.

**Ke:** But, look… you found the disclaimer didn't you?

**Adams: **Yes, yes I did. It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying "Beware of the Leopard."

**Tori: ***wakes up and holds up sign that says 'But seriously, we don't own anything.'*

~*~*~*~*~*~

            Heero paused for a moment, his fingers poised above the laptop, thinking carefully. Then, with a sudden resolve, he swiped the cordless phone off the bedside table and dialed a number. He was sure to incorporate lots of little "*"s and "#" and whatnot, but in the end, it actually rang.

            "Hitchhiker's Guide Headquarters. Can I help you?" a nasally voice that made the Perfect Soldier's ear tickle buzzed.

            "Yes, can you please put me through to Ford Prefect? This is researcher #173F98G3 calling from the ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha region."

            "One moment please." There was a silent pause. "Mr. Prefect isn't in at the moment. Can I take a message?"

            "No, but can you have him give me a call if and when he does get there?"

            "Certainly, sir. Recording your number now. Have a nice day."

            "Yeah." Heero hung up and stared at the phone for a few minutes before he decided that no matter how long he looked at it, it wasn't going to do any trick, and it certainly wasn't going to ring.

            Out in the hallway, there was the sound of a door opening, followed by a rather distressed yelp and a door slamming shut. Figuring Quatre had just accidentally stepped into Trowa's version of Good Cop, Bad Cop, he sighed heavily and lay back on his bed.

            What he didn't figure was that Quatre would run into his room a few moments later, yelling about a rather large white ship that had apparently been parked through his bedroom wall, which is precisely what he did.

            When Heero didn't make any attempt to respond in the three seconds Quatre took to breathe between sentences, he hurried off to find his boyfriend, Wu Fei to cry to.

            Heero, on the other hand had actually decided that this claim merited an inspection and once the half-crazed Arab abandoned his doorway, he walked out into the hall and entered Quatre's room to see exactly what all the fuss was about.

            "WHO PUT THIS ZARKING BUILDING HERE!?" came a rather annoyed voice. Its owner climbed through the wreckage it had created when it slammed through the wall and straightened up.

            "Ford?"

            "Yuy?"

            The two men blinked at each other, then experimented with blinking at their surrounding, but decided they liked the former better and resumed where they had left off.

            "I just tried calling you…"

            "I was just thinking about you…"

            "The improbability of you just randomly crashing your ship through our stratosphere and Quatre's wall were 2 to the power of 7,937,746,251,534,456.8… to one."

            "That used to be my phone number…"

            The two were staring blankly at each other when Duet walked in to inspect the cause of Quatre's most recent mental breakdown.

~*~*~*~*~*~

**Tori: **AHHHHHHHHH! TOO MANY STORIES AT ONCE! *runs off to work on Finders Inc.*

**Ke: **Well, at least she got her Toby story done…

**Tori: ***hurries over to The E-Mail*

**Ke: **And hopefully, Stanton and Lyra sent theirs in.

**Tori: ***snatches up Stanton + Tori collaboration*

**Ke: **`(^-^)' It's no different from back in Japan!


	3. Trowa's daring Rescue!

**Tori: ***sweatdropping profusely* Okay, I KNOW **Finders Inc.** is taking a long time, but I have to do RESEARCH!!! For instance…

**Ke: **Achem! *picks up clipboard* Wu Fei happens to HATE Joey Chandler Bing, Rona, and Shiro Kitsune might have used up all her sadistic pleasure on Kuro Kitsune when writing MST of Endless Waltz!

**Tori: **But I also need the basics like, well, what you look like! If you post it in your profiles or have a description in one of your stories, tell me, and I'll probably catch it on my way around when I check your new fics!

**Ke: **Yes, ladies and gentlemen, she actually goes around and reads your stories! Yet another incentive to review and keep me employed!

**Tori: ***scratches back of neck* Actually, It's because I'm too lazy to click the "browse" "anime" "GWing" buttons after I log in… 

**Readers: ***megasuperhugesweatdrop*

**Tori: **Also, please excuse me blatantly quoting the book. It's part of the joke…

~*~*~*~*~*~

            "Heero, why is there a spaceship parked through Quatre's wall…" Duet asked, holding a hand to her forehead.

            "Yuy, you dog… You stumble across a planet where women parade around in the nude and don't even bother to tell me?" Ford murmured in awe. 

            "For the love of God, Duet. Have some decency," Heero growled and pulled his trusty towel from his Spandex Space pocket (which was actually just a compressed eddy in the space-time continuum). He threw it at her and she wrapped it around herself.

            "I wasn't exactly expecting anyone to be-" Her sentence was cut short as Ford sidled up to her and draped an arm over her shoulders.

            "So how about we blow this Popsicle stand and find a place with some good Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters and a nice beach. If you're good, I'll even let you steer my ship," he smirked suavely and arched his eyebrows. Duet contemplated this for a moment, then fixed him with a look of confusion.

            "TROWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

            Ford was against the wall and gasping for air before he could even hope to drop into his defensive crouch. A green-eyed boy kept him pinned there with a handy little fist wrapped rather tightly about the Betelgeuseian man's throat.

            Duo and a Wu Fei-escorted Quatre were unfortunate enough to walk in on this rather amusing scene.

            "What happened to him?" Duet frowned, watching as the Chinese pilot rocked Quatre until he stopped wringing the hell out of a small stuffed camel that had been unfortunate enough to be caught up by the boy in his raging madness. She reached to take one of his quivering hands, but Wu Fei wouldn't allow it.

            "Be careful, onna. He can be dangerous when he's confronted by an extreme situation," he explained, running hand through the blonde hair.

            "Yeah. He goes to pieces so fast people get hit by the shrapnel…" Duo scoffed and walked over to Heero to question him on the rather large and conspicuous white spaceship taking up most of the space in the room. He did this very causally, though, as if such things happened on a daily basis and needed no more attention than a car that had backed into a telephone pole.

            Trowa, on the other hand, was focusing his attention strictly on the man he had against the wall. He was waiting for something to happen. An instruction, a bit of helpful advice… I mean, he had accomplished what he had set out to do, right? He had rescued his naked girlfriend from some creepy dirt bag who has hitting on her and scared the man into a state of mind that would probably convince any normal person never to attempt anything like what they had just done ever again. Was it really his fault Ford Prefect was anything but normal?

            "…" He released Ford from his death grip and immediately the man darted over to Heero. "Stupid moron…" he mumbled and rolled his eyes.

            "Do you two, er, know each other?" Duo asked, arms akimbo and a look of complete confusion on his face.

            "It's a long story," Ford replied.

            "We met at Millways a couple years ago when he tried to steal my Gundam. Been acquaintances ever since," Heero explained, ignoring him.

            "Okay, so it's not as long as I remember, but-"

            "That explained NOTHING," cried the braided boy, latching onto his boyfriend's arm and fixing him with another "look".

            Trowa approached the Perfect Soldier and Duet trailed behind, followed by the quiet couple.

            "What's Millways?" the girl quizzed, crossing her arms and looking from Heero to Ford and back again.

            Ford grinned manically and his lips twitched into a smile. "It's-"

            "-the restaurant at the end of the universe. And, no, Ford. You're not taking her or any of us," Heero finished for him and gave the man an icy stare.

            "A restaurant?" Duet shot Heero a pitiful pout and her relented.

            "Fine… Lunch at Millways it is. But, Ford, NO funny business. And we want to be back here BEFORE you decided redecorate!"

            "What to you mean, Yuy? Are you imply that we time-travel?" Wu Fei grimaced, contemplating the thought.

            "Well how the hell do you think we're going to get to Millways?"

~*~*~*~*~*~

**Tori: **Not my favorite chapter, but I'm sending them to Millways on request by Arcadia Silver and Stanton!

**Ke: **Yeah, this chapter did suck…

**Tori: ***yawn* Why don't I have any motivation to work?


End file.
